Hey y'all,
I want to just tell you that I love the relationship Cooper and his cousin Olivia are developing. I watch her during the day while my sister works and her husband is job hunting. They are more like siblings than cousins. Olivia is the most patient and laid back baby I have ever met. She's a joy to be around. She is 7 months old and is thoroughly entertained my Coopers crazy two year old antics. When Sierra drops Olivia off in the mornings Cooper is still asleep and so I put her in the swing in our room for her to go back to sleep and wake up when Cooper does. The first word out of his mouth when she is there is "baby!" He loves her so much and gets upset when she has to leave to go home. He is such a little helper and gives her her bottle, throws away her diapers and just plays with her. I know he would be a great big brother. I didn't think I could handle being outnumbered but if I could be guaranteed that my next child would be like Olivia I would have another one in a heartbeat. Maybe in a couple more years. I have finally found what I was destined to be. A mom. I thought I knew what love was before I had Cooper but I was wrong. I will do anything for that kid and so would his Dad. Todd works SO hard for us and we appreciate everything he does for our little family. My parents are amazing and love being Grandparents. They are as much of an influence on Cooper as we are. We are so indebted to them. Memaw is thene that taught him NKOTB The right stuff. And my poor dad he has been trying so badly to get Cooper to say Grandpa but he just refuses. Cooper will say Papaw so I guess he will have to settle for that.
My brother has become closer to Cooper which means so much to me. Part of that is due to us having family dinners every Wednesday night. I usually cook something mom has found on FB. Skylar aka uncle Coot and Aunt Callie come over and play with Cooper and Olivia. Uncle David and Cooper are developing a relationship also. I'm so glad to see that bond happen.
Sierra and David moving back home has finally made our family complete. I love that we all get along and we are getting to know David better also.
Skylar has the brothers he never had and I am so glad. He suffered being the little brother. Sierra and I tortured him and pretty much ruined his life. (if you ask him) Skylar, Todd and David have all these inside jokes and enjoy being around each other.
That's all for now. Y'all enjoy the snow and sleet. Until next time!
There is a reason they call me HeeHee
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
It's been a while....
Well a lot has changed in my life. I am now the mom to a two year old ball of fire. My sister has had a baby and moved back from NM with her husband. My brother got married. I can't believe how much my life has changed. I have a great husband who works so hard for Cooper and I. I have friends drift in and out of my life over the past few years. The ones that I do have mean the world to me and I care about them so much.
I am just so amazed at how fast Coop has grown up. I was so fortunate to see him crawl for the first time. To see him take his first wobbly steps. I cried when he said dada and then begged and pleaded for him to say mama. Now he says it all the time. This kid is smart. I am in awe everyday when he learns something new. He is a mess though too. I will tell him no not to touch something and he will look me dead in the eye with this evil grin and side eye and throw the object. I'm pretty sure he thinks the number 4 is "go" cause I will say "1,2,3" and he says "go" and takes off with a little cartoon pulling his leg back before he takes off.
I am going to try to keep this blog up for Cooper to read in the future and he can see what a joy he was to his father and I. Also what a little butthead he could be. So maybe when he has his own children and wonders where those funny little quirks that they have came from.
I want to keep this blog for myself also. I have a horrible memory and I want to be reminded of all the little memories to look back on. I'm not going to even claim that I am a good mom and I by all means do not have my life together, but I am doing the best I can and Cooper seems to be doing alright.
For instance today Cooper has finally learned the melody to NKOTB "The right stuff" His memaw has been singing that to him since before he could really talk. Now he goes around humming and singing it to himself.
That's all for today seeing as this took me almost an hour to write cause he keep playing with the charge cord and coming up and pressing buttons or tried closing the laptop.
I hope y'all enjoyed this.
I am just so amazed at how fast Coop has grown up. I was so fortunate to see him crawl for the first time. To see him take his first wobbly steps. I cried when he said dada and then begged and pleaded for him to say mama. Now he says it all the time. This kid is smart. I am in awe everyday when he learns something new. He is a mess though too. I will tell him no not to touch something and he will look me dead in the eye with this evil grin and side eye and throw the object. I'm pretty sure he thinks the number 4 is "go" cause I will say "1,2,3" and he says "go" and takes off with a little cartoon pulling his leg back before he takes off.
I am going to try to keep this blog up for Cooper to read in the future and he can see what a joy he was to his father and I. Also what a little butthead he could be. So maybe when he has his own children and wonders where those funny little quirks that they have came from.
I want to keep this blog for myself also. I have a horrible memory and I want to be reminded of all the little memories to look back on. I'm not going to even claim that I am a good mom and I by all means do not have my life together, but I am doing the best I can and Cooper seems to be doing alright.
For instance today Cooper has finally learned the melody to NKOTB "The right stuff" His memaw has been singing that to him since before he could really talk. Now he goes around humming and singing it to himself.
That's all for today seeing as this took me almost an hour to write cause he keep playing with the charge cord and coming up and pressing buttons or tried closing the laptop.
I hope y'all enjoyed this.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Countdown.
In January 2013 I finally got my 1st period after my D&C in October. In February while helping my sister move I thought I was getting my period again cause I started bleeding. Well the bleeding stop that same day so I figured it was spotting. And from what I read that could be a possible sign of implantation. So I waited a week to take and test and sure enough it came back positive. I told Todd who was playing COD and showed him the stick and his only reaction was hmm I guess you will have to take your prenatal vitamins again. We were both cautiously optimistic when didn't tell anyone. I made an appointment for 2 weeks later cause it we based it off my last period then that would be 8 weeks. That was the longest two weeks. Todd went with me to the OBGYN and my nerves were a wreck cause I was so scared it was going to be like the last time and then I would have to suffer again. I told Todd that if this pregnancy didn't "stick" I was done and didn't want to try to have anymore kids. My mental health could not take another deep depression so soon after the last one. I was crying and shaking and twisting my hands while sitting on the table. The nurse understood and took us back to the ultra sound room. I was laying on the table with my eyes shut cause I couldn't handle seeing a vacant womb on the screen again. I only opened them cause Todd said wait I see something flashing on the screen. And the Dr. said yes that's the heartbeat. To which I said no shit there is a heartbeat? Then I started laughing cause that meant it was real and I was pregnant with something alive and growing. The Dr. let me know that my chances of miscarriage had dropped due to there being a heartbeat. I was so happy and proud of that little flashing blip on the screen.
Fast forward almost a month.... My Memaw whom I am extremely close to and so much alike it's ridiculous slid in her bathroom to the floor when she got out of the shower. I do not say fall because she didn't she slid with the rollator to the floor.But because of the retirement home where she has lived for the past 6 years the protocol is to take someone that has fallen straight to the ER via ambulance. Well that didn't go well Memaw got horrible motion sickness because she was laying down and couldn't see the road and vomited on herself. The emts also had her in a neck brace and a back board. My mom told me that night that memaw fell but she was ok and that she was just staying in the hospital for observations. My Mother has been devoted to taking care of my memaw for the past 10 years. Even before my Papaw died she was helping with both of them. I try to help as much as she will let me but one thing is for sure she is stubborn like her father. My mother didn't sleep at all that Thursday night into Friday when they finally admitted my memaw at 4 am. Memaw ended up staying the weekend in the hospital. They didn't find any broken bones, bruises, strains, or sprains. But they did notice some spots on her lungs that we were told was a mild case of pneumonia. My mom and I had noticed that Memaws stamina had decreased over the past 6 months but we figured that was because she wasn't being very active during the day and she was getting older. By this time I had told memaw I was pregnant and she was so excited to finally have a great grand baby close that she could see anytime she wanted. My cousin had his first child in December and Memaw got to meet him in March. Which she was so thrilled about.
During all this my husband got the stomach bug and I was so scared that was going to get it too. He was pathetic and I had to take care of him and also my dad who I had to take for surgery on his lower eyelid because he had skin cancer and had to have it removed. And then the following week Todd threw his back out and I had to take care of him again. I was mentally and physically exhausted for being at the the end of my first trimester.
During all of this Memaw was moved back into healthcare at the retirement home. Mom said she was just in a funky mood after her escapade with the ambulance and hospital that she asked if I could see her when I got a chance in between taking care of the men in my life to cheer her up. Well that was this past Thursday and I brought my future sister-in-law with me that just got engaged to my brother on that Monday to share the news with memaw hoping that would perk her up since she would be a fresh face. When I walked in and saw her sitting in her chair the woman that looked back at me was not my memaw. She was complaining about the room spinning and how she has never felt like this in all of her life and she didn't know what was wrong with her and she wanted to die and she wishes she was dead. I told her you are not dying so quit acting like you are. You are just in a funk from the hospital and you will be back to yourself in no time. I was trying desperately to make her stop talking like this and give her something to look forward to and live for. I told her that she was going to have a great grandchild she could hold and love anytime she wanted. She said she didn't care and wished she was dead. I was overwhelmed because only since the day I got married had she been asking when I was going to give her a great grandbaby and now for her to not even care I was heartbroken. My mom called and said she was coming to get memaw and take her to the Dr. to see what was making her feel so bad. After Memaw refusing and putting up a fight we got her to the Dr. I was late getting there because I had to take Memaws lower plate to her dentist because a piece was starting to break. By the time I made it to the doctor mom and memaw were already in a room and mom was crying and wouldn't tell me why and memaw was just sitting there. Mom asked me to move her car to a handicap spot cause there were no free ones open when they came in. I did and then I just sat there and cried because I hate seeing my mom hurt and crying. When they got out mom told me that memaw had vertigo and that was why she felt so bad and that with the medicine they gave her memaw would be feeling better soon. So
I went home and mom took memaw back home.
The next day my uncle came in from out of town to cheer memaw up. Also my sister was leaving Charleston to see her husband in St. Louis to spend the weekend with him since he had been gone since February for training for the Air Force. Well due to bad weather here in Charlotte which was where she was to transfer her flight kept getting delayed and then finally cancelled all together. She booked the last flight out of Charlotte for 3 hours later to get to St. Louis Friday night. Luckily she made it to the airport without a minute to spare and made it to St. Louis. My uncle drove me to the airport to get my sisters car and on the way back I got a mass text from my cousins that live out of state one in Seattle, another in NYC and one in Baltimore that they were coming into town unannounced and unplanned the next day. The last time this happened my papaw was dying so I knew Memaw was worse than my mom was letting on. They told me that the breast cancer memaw had when i was little had come back and moved to her heart and lungs and that she had 3 months to live. now the way she was talking made sense because she had been told she was dying and
i just wanted to punch the Dr. that told her that. It was like a switch went off in her head and now that she was told she was dying she needed to start acting like it. I just kept thinking if she hadn't fallen we could have kept on being blissfully unaware of what was really happening and kept on with our daily lives of memaw being happy but slowing down. She complained about little things hurting but really it was just a ploy to get one of us to massage her. Not so much pain that required narcotics. Sunday was a bad day for memaw she was in such a low mood. Everyone came to see her and she was pathetic. We all went to dinner as a family Sunday to spend time together and break away from the situation for a little while. On Monday C was leaving to head back to Baltimore so we went early to spend time with memaw before we left to go to the airport. When Aunt M stopped us and said memaw was just doing horrible and that she would be going soon. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall that this was it. When we got in there with Memaw we cheered memaw right up and had her laughing and telling stories and carrying on. Soon A and A showed up to spend time with her too and that room was full of so much laughter you wouldn't be able to tell that the woman laying in the bed was dying. This is all for now I am tired and I am writing this to help relieve the massive amount of sadness and stress that I have on me because I know it isn't good for me, my baby or anyone around me. I hope this will prepare me for whichever comes first Memaw passing or the birth of this baby. That's why I call it a countdown cause everyday closer to one life beginning is one day closer to another life ending. I love that crazy funny woman so much and I just want her last days to be filled with joy and laughter. She is so much a part of me that I know when she goes a part of me will go with her.
Fast forward almost a month.... My Memaw whom I am extremely close to and so much alike it's ridiculous slid in her bathroom to the floor when she got out of the shower. I do not say fall because she didn't she slid with the rollator to the floor.But because of the retirement home where she has lived for the past 6 years the protocol is to take someone that has fallen straight to the ER via ambulance. Well that didn't go well Memaw got horrible motion sickness because she was laying down and couldn't see the road and vomited on herself. The emts also had her in a neck brace and a back board. My mom told me that night that memaw fell but she was ok and that she was just staying in the hospital for observations. My Mother has been devoted to taking care of my memaw for the past 10 years. Even before my Papaw died she was helping with both of them. I try to help as much as she will let me but one thing is for sure she is stubborn like her father. My mother didn't sleep at all that Thursday night into Friday when they finally admitted my memaw at 4 am. Memaw ended up staying the weekend in the hospital. They didn't find any broken bones, bruises, strains, or sprains. But they did notice some spots on her lungs that we were told was a mild case of pneumonia. My mom and I had noticed that Memaws stamina had decreased over the past 6 months but we figured that was because she wasn't being very active during the day and she was getting older. By this time I had told memaw I was pregnant and she was so excited to finally have a great grand baby close that she could see anytime she wanted. My cousin had his first child in December and Memaw got to meet him in March. Which she was so thrilled about.
During all this my husband got the stomach bug and I was so scared that was going to get it too. He was pathetic and I had to take care of him and also my dad who I had to take for surgery on his lower eyelid because he had skin cancer and had to have it removed. And then the following week Todd threw his back out and I had to take care of him again. I was mentally and physically exhausted for being at the the end of my first trimester.
During all of this Memaw was moved back into healthcare at the retirement home. Mom said she was just in a funky mood after her escapade with the ambulance and hospital that she asked if I could see her when I got a chance in between taking care of the men in my life to cheer her up. Well that was this past Thursday and I brought my future sister-in-law with me that just got engaged to my brother on that Monday to share the news with memaw hoping that would perk her up since she would be a fresh face. When I walked in and saw her sitting in her chair the woman that looked back at me was not my memaw. She was complaining about the room spinning and how she has never felt like this in all of her life and she didn't know what was wrong with her and she wanted to die and she wishes she was dead. I told her you are not dying so quit acting like you are. You are just in a funk from the hospital and you will be back to yourself in no time. I was trying desperately to make her stop talking like this and give her something to look forward to and live for. I told her that she was going to have a great grandchild she could hold and love anytime she wanted. She said she didn't care and wished she was dead. I was overwhelmed because only since the day I got married had she been asking when I was going to give her a great grandbaby and now for her to not even care I was heartbroken. My mom called and said she was coming to get memaw and take her to the Dr. to see what was making her feel so bad. After Memaw refusing and putting up a fight we got her to the Dr. I was late getting there because I had to take Memaws lower plate to her dentist because a piece was starting to break. By the time I made it to the doctor mom and memaw were already in a room and mom was crying and wouldn't tell me why and memaw was just sitting there. Mom asked me to move her car to a handicap spot cause there were no free ones open when they came in. I did and then I just sat there and cried because I hate seeing my mom hurt and crying. When they got out mom told me that memaw had vertigo and that was why she felt so bad and that with the medicine they gave her memaw would be feeling better soon. So
I went home and mom took memaw back home.
The next day my uncle came in from out of town to cheer memaw up. Also my sister was leaving Charleston to see her husband in St. Louis to spend the weekend with him since he had been gone since February for training for the Air Force. Well due to bad weather here in Charlotte which was where she was to transfer her flight kept getting delayed and then finally cancelled all together. She booked the last flight out of Charlotte for 3 hours later to get to St. Louis Friday night. Luckily she made it to the airport without a minute to spare and made it to St. Louis. My uncle drove me to the airport to get my sisters car and on the way back I got a mass text from my cousins that live out of state one in Seattle, another in NYC and one in Baltimore that they were coming into town unannounced and unplanned the next day. The last time this happened my papaw was dying so I knew Memaw was worse than my mom was letting on. They told me that the breast cancer memaw had when i was little had come back and moved to her heart and lungs and that she had 3 months to live. now the way she was talking made sense because she had been told she was dying and
i just wanted to punch the Dr. that told her that. It was like a switch went off in her head and now that she was told she was dying she needed to start acting like it. I just kept thinking if she hadn't fallen we could have kept on being blissfully unaware of what was really happening and kept on with our daily lives of memaw being happy but slowing down. She complained about little things hurting but really it was just a ploy to get one of us to massage her. Not so much pain that required narcotics. Sunday was a bad day for memaw she was in such a low mood. Everyone came to see her and she was pathetic. We all went to dinner as a family Sunday to spend time together and break away from the situation for a little while. On Monday C was leaving to head back to Baltimore so we went early to spend time with memaw before we left to go to the airport. When Aunt M stopped us and said memaw was just doing horrible and that she would be going soon. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall that this was it. When we got in there with Memaw we cheered memaw right up and had her laughing and telling stories and carrying on. Soon A and A showed up to spend time with her too and that room was full of so much laughter you wouldn't be able to tell that the woman laying in the bed was dying. This is all for now I am tired and I am writing this to help relieve the massive amount of sadness and stress that I have on me because I know it isn't good for me, my baby or anyone around me. I hope this will prepare me for whichever comes first Memaw passing or the birth of this baby. That's why I call it a countdown cause everyday closer to one life beginning is one day closer to another life ending. I love that crazy funny woman so much and I just want her last days to be filled with joy and laughter. She is so much a part of me that I know when she goes a part of me will go with her.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Copper
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Just not meant to be...part 2
I got a lot of "I'm sorry." and "if there is anything you need." and "I wish there was something I could do." Which was all very kind and sweet. And I really appreciated it. But I was still hurting. From that day forward when I was alone I would lay down in the shower and cry. I kept thinking I could just wash how I was feeling down the drain. On Sunday my Dr. called to check in on me and I asked him if we could reschedule the surgery for Wednesday so I would not associate my birthday for death day of my pregnancy. He agreed and I was scheduled for surgery on the 24th. My Birthday came and I spent the day alone and depressed and crying in the shower again. Todd tried his hardest to cheer me up over the weekend prior and I tried to be happy but he knew deep inside I was faking it. My friends from a previous job had a get together and they comforted me as I cried and vented my feelings. That helped having women who have had to go through what I was experiencing.
Todd got one of my friends and my family to meet us for dinner at outback. It was a nice distraction from the elephant in the room. The next day my brother and his girlfriend and I went to Charleston to pick up my sister. She wanted to be there for my surgery which I really appreciated. It was good to get out of the house and go on a road trip. We really did have a good time together.
D-Day October 24th.
I didn't get much sleep the night prior. But then again I hadn't gotten much sleep in several weeks. I met my sister, mom and dad at the hospital for my surgery. I was sad cause it meant my pregnancy really was over. Cause even up to the point of going into the O.R I thought it was all a bad dream and Dr. AL was going to tell me that he made a mistake and there is a baby after all. I was shaking and crying waiting to be taken back. I have never had any surgeries before or put under anesthesia. When I did sleep the night before I had a nightmare that I woke up during surgery and I felt everything. In a way I was ready to get it over with. I didn't want to see it, feel it, smell it, or hear it. I just wanted it out. That way I could move on. The nurses and anesthesiologist were so kind and understanding. My sister and mom came back and stayed with me till they took me to the O.R that was really comforting cause I was very scared.The nurse told me that I would feel my cheeks getting warm and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. And as soon as I woke up I felt the cramping. Horrible cramping so the nurse gave me some sort of pain killer through my I.V and wheeled me into the room I was in before surgery. Sierra and Mom were waiting for me. Mom said she had to go back to work so she could get done early and meet me back at their house. Dad came back and checked on my but he soon left so he could pick up my pain meds and meet us back at the house.
Well apparently I am not very good at "recovering" because I attempted to eat a popsicle and threw up cause my blood pressure dropped. And then the nurse wanted me to Sierra and the nurse let me rest a little longer. I finally started to feel better a few hours later that they let me go home. Sierra was such a big help to me and I had never been so grateful to have a sister that cared so much for me. We went back to mom and dads where I took it easy the rest of the evening. Todd stopped by to check on me. I wanted to stay at my parents house because I didn't feel like dealing with my dogs and I didn't want to be by myself.
I don't know if I passed out from the pain meds or sheer exhaustion but, I finally slept. The next day wasn't too bad bleeding and some cramping but that was to be expected. I helped dad clean his boat and it was just nice to be outside. It was a good day. My brother came to see me. Sierra had left to go see her in-laws.
However that night was horrible. I took a percocet to help me fall asleep. But at 2 AM I woke up cramping like I have never cramped before. I was crying in the bedroom but then moved to the living room cause my mom told me that if I got up and walked around that could relieve my cramping some. So that's what I did. I was doing laps around the living room and would walk into the kitchen to see the time. The pain was coming in waves every 5 minutes. It would buckle me over and I would have to hold onto the couch in order to keep from collapsing into the floor. After almost 2 hours of this I just couldn't take it anymore and called the on call Dr. Who just happened to be my Dr. that performed the surgery. He answered sleepily. I immediately apologized for waking him up through tears of pain. He reassured me that the surgery went fine and my uterus was spasming. And that I should eat some bread and take another percocet. I did just that and then sat in my dads chair with my head in my hands rocking back and forth. My mom woke up at 4:45 and found me in the living-room. She was so worried about me. I told her I was ok I was just waiting on the pain meds to kick in. I finally went back to "sleep" cause lets face it was restless and not refreshing at all.
Everyday I felt a little better than the last. Now I still cry everyday when I am alone. But I put on a smile and fake that I am doing ok. I am a chameleon of emotions and how I truly feel. I go back to the Dr. next week for a follow up and I am going to ask him for antidepressants. Todd doesn't want me to but I feel like I need them. Not forever just till I can get passed this stage in my life. I told Todd I am not ready to jump right back into trying to have a baby. I am scared and I don't think I can handle losing another one.
I had the jelly bean picture on the refrigerator but I flipped it over so I couldn't see it when I found out it wasn't viable. Well I was cleaning the fridge and I asked Todd if he wanted the picture and he said no just throw it away. It was hard but I did it. And in a way it helped. I know I will never forget this time in my life and I know that if one day I do have a child I will appreciate him or her all the more for this experience.
I feel a sense of relief getting this all out cause I have been carrying around and it has been heavy on my heart and my mind. If anything it has shown me how important family is and has shown me who my true friends are. There is so much more I could write but my fingers just can't handle it. So until next time good night.
Well apparently I am not very good at "recovering" because I attempted to eat a popsicle and threw up cause my blood pressure dropped. And then the nurse wanted me to Sierra and the nurse let me rest a little longer. I finally started to feel better a few hours later that they let me go home. Sierra was such a big help to me and I had never been so grateful to have a sister that cared so much for me. We went back to mom and dads where I took it easy the rest of the evening. Todd stopped by to check on me. I wanted to stay at my parents house because I didn't feel like dealing with my dogs and I didn't want to be by myself.
I don't know if I passed out from the pain meds or sheer exhaustion but, I finally slept. The next day wasn't too bad bleeding and some cramping but that was to be expected. I helped dad clean his boat and it was just nice to be outside. It was a good day. My brother came to see me. Sierra had left to go see her in-laws.
However that night was horrible. I took a percocet to help me fall asleep. But at 2 AM I woke up cramping like I have never cramped before. I was crying in the bedroom but then moved to the living room cause my mom told me that if I got up and walked around that could relieve my cramping some. So that's what I did. I was doing laps around the living room and would walk into the kitchen to see the time. The pain was coming in waves every 5 minutes. It would buckle me over and I would have to hold onto the couch in order to keep from collapsing into the floor. After almost 2 hours of this I just couldn't take it anymore and called the on call Dr. Who just happened to be my Dr. that performed the surgery. He answered sleepily. I immediately apologized for waking him up through tears of pain. He reassured me that the surgery went fine and my uterus was spasming. And that I should eat some bread and take another percocet. I did just that and then sat in my dads chair with my head in my hands rocking back and forth. My mom woke up at 4:45 and found me in the living-room. She was so worried about me. I told her I was ok I was just waiting on the pain meds to kick in. I finally went back to "sleep" cause lets face it was restless and not refreshing at all.
Everyday I felt a little better than the last. Now I still cry everyday when I am alone. But I put on a smile and fake that I am doing ok. I am a chameleon of emotions and how I truly feel. I go back to the Dr. next week for a follow up and I am going to ask him for antidepressants. Todd doesn't want me to but I feel like I need them. Not forever just till I can get passed this stage in my life. I told Todd I am not ready to jump right back into trying to have a baby. I am scared and I don't think I can handle losing another one.
I had the jelly bean picture on the refrigerator but I flipped it over so I couldn't see it when I found out it wasn't viable. Well I was cleaning the fridge and I asked Todd if he wanted the picture and he said no just throw it away. It was hard but I did it. And in a way it helped. I know I will never forget this time in my life and I know that if one day I do have a child I will appreciate him or her all the more for this experience.
I feel a sense of relief getting this all out cause I have been carrying around and it has been heavy on my heart and my mind. If anything it has shown me how important family is and has shown me who my true friends are. There is so much more I could write but my fingers just can't handle it. So until next time good night.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Just not meant to be... part 1
I found out I was pregnant on September 29th. I should have had a clue prior to the positive pregnancy test. After all my boobs were killing me and according to my husband I was being really "moody". I thought I was getting ready to have my period because these had all been clues in the past the dreaded "time of the month" or in my case "time of the year" was quickly approaching and would knock me out for a solid week. My husband and I had made the decision to start trying to have a baby at the beginning of the year. I told him we would try for a year and then if nothing happens I will go to the Dr. to see what can be done. Well lone and behold I come home and my husband has gone out and purchased 2 pregnancy test. So I take one just to prove him wrong. Well joke was on me when I yelled at him to come into the bathroom to read the results. The test was a 1 line not pregnant and 2 lines pregnant. Well those 2 lines popped up in a quickness. He said you're pregnant. I turned sheet white and Todd had to remind me to breathe. All I could think about was how we weren't ready and what I had done to already mess up this child and he/she hasn't even made out into this world. I mean I am a upper 20's woman with no children so of course I was drinking and smoking and eating steak medium rare and getting my hair colored and riding roller coasters and everything else. Hell the day I found out I was pregnant I had a bloody mary at lunch. Already I am a terrible mother. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I thought I could "feel" it. I knew it was all in my head but for me it was a weird sensation in my stomach. Todd was so excited and reassured me that the baby was fine and that we would make good parents and that everything would be great. Well I got my phone cause I have an app that tracks your cycle. And I was loyal to mark every time we well you know. And according to that calculator I was already a little past 8 weeks pregnant. I called my mom and my sister and Todd called his mother. We decided to keep it quiet till we knew how exactly far along I was.
I called the Dr. the next day and schedule an appointment for that Wednesday. I went and got prenatal vitamins and made sure I was eating throughout the day. Cause normally I only eat one meal a day especially since I am currently unemployed. Wednesday finally showed up and Todd went to work and then came to the Dr. appointment at 9:30. (He has to be at work at 6 AM) The whole time in the waiting room I was nervous and excited and worried and on the verge of tears at any moment. We go back and have an ultrasound done and the midwife says "yes you are pregnant but not as far along as you thought. Only about 4-5 weeks) All we could see was a jelly bean looking sac. She called the sac "the pregnancy" They also did blood work on me and told me to come back on Friday for more blood work. "Standard procedure." Even though it was early Todd and I were thrilled. It happened, I was pregnant and in the summer we would be parents. Whoa scary thought but I am great with kids and Todd will make an awesome dad so I was worried but not too worried cause I have him. I took a picture of the print out of the jelly bean and sent it out to my immediate family. I went to Kohls to see if I could find a frame for the picture.
I noticed with pregnancy that my sense of smell became hyper sensitive. I had heard that was possible but didn't believe it until it actually happened to me. The super sensitive nose and the extremely painful breast were the only symptoms I had. I was lucky no morning sickness and yes I was sleeping a lot but I can always sleep. I think I was sleeping so much because of boredom from not having a job. And now that I was pregnant that would have to be put on hold till further notice.
Todd was so sweet to me. Not that he isn't normally but he was extra affectionate and was doing more around the house. He called or text me through out the day to check on me. He was getting so excited. He would look online at different nursery ideas and we had picked out names.
I went back on that Friday and got more blood drawn they said i would get back the results on the following Monday the 8th. Well Monday came along and they called but I missed it and called back but then no one called me back till the next day. I got a phone call from the nurse and she asked if I could change my appointment to earlier than the 24th. I asked why and she said oh the Dr. just wanted to see you earlier. I asked about the blood work and I said since I haven't heard anything no news is good news and she responded with yes. Now I'm thinking alright everything is fine and dandy. Later that afternoon while I am at my parents house another nurse called and asked if I had changed my appointment I responded with yes and she asked if anyone had told me about my lab results? No I said. She said well your HCG levels are extremely low and should be doubling every 2 to 3 days and also my progesterone was extremely low. I asked what this meant and she said it was usually a sign of an abnormal pregnancy but not to worry because the numbers could be low because I am so early in the pregnancy. I started to cry and she said We aren't worried yet so you shouldn't be either. I called my mom, Todd and my sister. Todd reassured me that everything would be ok. All I could do was cry.
HCG levels indicate that the pregnancy is developing properly and progesterone levels indicate that the body is maintaining the pregnancy. I discovered this by googling. After the fact my sister called and said don't look it up online it will only make you worry more. Well too late sister I am freaking out more. I was up all night that Tuesday night and even got into the shower and cried.
Fast forward to the October 13th even though I am sad and worried on the inside. I put on a front that I am fine and go to NYC with my sister to meet with my cousin who lives there and our other cousin who lives in Baltimore. I announce my pregnancy as soon as I get there so my NYC cousin will understand why I am not drinking and smoking and that I need to eat more often and I can't go go go like my usual trips. The whole trip was an excellent distraction of my life. My sister and cousins and NYC friends were making up songs and nicknames for me and my unborn child. I was happy for once in a while. We got back home on the 16th and my next appointment was the 19th that Friday.
Friday October 19th.
Todd takes the day off work and we have lunch and then go to the Dr. I have an actual Dr. and not a midwife this time around. His nurse comes in and preps me for the ultrasound. And then Dr. Al comes in. I have never met this man but I know right off the bat he is a good man. So he does the ultrasound and I look at the screen hoping that there is going to be a baby or the starts to one. But no there is nothing. It's a void, empty, vacant. Through tears I say to Todd there is nothing there. Dr. Al readjusts hoping the angle is not right. But no nothing. Dr. Al apologizes that yes I have lost the baby and reassures me that just because I have lost this one doesn't mean I will not go on to have children. He tells me that he would like for me to have a D & C done on Monday. Well I didn't realize it at the time that that Monday was my birthday. I agreed and we were sent out the back door so I wouldn't disturb the bounty of pregnant women in the waiting room. I called my mom,dad, sister and cousin and cried to them. Everyone else that I told got a text message.
I noticed with pregnancy that my sense of smell became hyper sensitive. I had heard that was possible but didn't believe it until it actually happened to me. The super sensitive nose and the extremely painful breast were the only symptoms I had. I was lucky no morning sickness and yes I was sleeping a lot but I can always sleep. I think I was sleeping so much because of boredom from not having a job. And now that I was pregnant that would have to be put on hold till further notice.
Todd was so sweet to me. Not that he isn't normally but he was extra affectionate and was doing more around the house. He called or text me through out the day to check on me. He was getting so excited. He would look online at different nursery ideas and we had picked out names.
I went back on that Friday and got more blood drawn they said i would get back the results on the following Monday the 8th. Well Monday came along and they called but I missed it and called back but then no one called me back till the next day. I got a phone call from the nurse and she asked if I could change my appointment to earlier than the 24th. I asked why and she said oh the Dr. just wanted to see you earlier. I asked about the blood work and I said since I haven't heard anything no news is good news and she responded with yes. Now I'm thinking alright everything is fine and dandy. Later that afternoon while I am at my parents house another nurse called and asked if I had changed my appointment I responded with yes and she asked if anyone had told me about my lab results? No I said. She said well your HCG levels are extremely low and should be doubling every 2 to 3 days and also my progesterone was extremely low. I asked what this meant and she said it was usually a sign of an abnormal pregnancy but not to worry because the numbers could be low because I am so early in the pregnancy. I started to cry and she said We aren't worried yet so you shouldn't be either. I called my mom, Todd and my sister. Todd reassured me that everything would be ok. All I could do was cry.
HCG levels indicate that the pregnancy is developing properly and progesterone levels indicate that the body is maintaining the pregnancy. I discovered this by googling. After the fact my sister called and said don't look it up online it will only make you worry more. Well too late sister I am freaking out more. I was up all night that Tuesday night and even got into the shower and cried.
Fast forward to the October 13th even though I am sad and worried on the inside. I put on a front that I am fine and go to NYC with my sister to meet with my cousin who lives there and our other cousin who lives in Baltimore. I announce my pregnancy as soon as I get there so my NYC cousin will understand why I am not drinking and smoking and that I need to eat more often and I can't go go go like my usual trips. The whole trip was an excellent distraction of my life. My sister and cousins and NYC friends were making up songs and nicknames for me and my unborn child. I was happy for once in a while. We got back home on the 16th and my next appointment was the 19th that Friday.
Friday October 19th.
Todd takes the day off work and we have lunch and then go to the Dr. I have an actual Dr. and not a midwife this time around. His nurse comes in and preps me for the ultrasound. And then Dr. Al comes in. I have never met this man but I know right off the bat he is a good man. So he does the ultrasound and I look at the screen hoping that there is going to be a baby or the starts to one. But no there is nothing. It's a void, empty, vacant. Through tears I say to Todd there is nothing there. Dr. Al readjusts hoping the angle is not right. But no nothing. Dr. Al apologizes that yes I have lost the baby and reassures me that just because I have lost this one doesn't mean I will not go on to have children. He tells me that he would like for me to have a D & C done on Monday. Well I didn't realize it at the time that that Monday was my birthday. I agreed and we were sent out the back door so I wouldn't disturb the bounty of pregnant women in the waiting room. I called my mom,dad, sister and cousin and cried to them. Everyone else that I told got a text message.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Aunt Ida
Tonight my family lost the last great matriarch of our family. My Great Aunt Ida passed away. And she wasn't just great because she was my Papaws sister she was great because she made an impact on anyone that met her. She was fiesty all the way up to the end. My friend Amber went up with me this past weekend to see her with me in VA. And it was worth the almost 14 hours worth of driving over 2 days to see her. She gave me a baby blanket that she crocheted 30 years ago that she was going to give to her first great grand child. Well for whatever reason she didn't get to give it to her so I got it. I will cherish it and my memories of her forever. That woman was a force to be reckoned with. She always wore the same wig, and was always dressed to the nines. A mouth like a sailor and she would just tell you how it was without holding back. She loved me dearly and I loved her back. I feel like I have a lot of her in me. And I am proud to say that I am her niece. She lived everyday to the fullest. And Loved her family faults and all. I spoke to my cousin tonight and she said that she was going to make more of an effort to keep in touch with the family more often and I agree. So get ready folks Heather is about to make herself known to everyone. To qoute Aunt Ida. "Just throw your hands up to it all and say to Hell with it and move on." No truer words were ever spoken. So I am not going to dwell in petty things. It's not worth your time in the end. Life is too short and I don't know what happens when we die or where we go. All I know is I am going to live the life that I have now and cherish it for what it is worth.
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