Copper

My poor poor puppy Copper. Well he isn't really a puppy anymore he is 7. He means so much to me. He is a beagle and the cutest one I have ever seen. Todd and I got him the week after we got engaged in 2005 from a flea market in Gastonia. He was the smallest and saddest puppy of the litter. The mother was there and she looked worn out and small. It was between Copper and a larger puppy. Well Coppers tail had a hook in the end that he was born with. Not an actually hook but a deformity  just to be clear. Well we went with him because we thought nobody wants this sad, deformed tail, little beagle. I named him Copper from Fox and the Hound. The name of the fox was Todd so I figured it would be very fitting for this beagle to be named Copper.  We took him to the vet and he was just eat up with worms. We got him dewormed and his first round of puppy shots. Well somewhere in between the series of puppy shots Copper got Parvo and was in the emergency vet for a week from Christmas to New Years. I didn't think his little body could fight it off but he did.. He wasn't giving up and neither were we if he was willing to fight. After he got out of the vet he was very weak but improving. The next 7 years went by very quickly it seemed and nothing else to note about health wise.  That was until about a month ago. I noticed Copper started falling. We have a very high bed and wood floor and he would jump off the bed like he was superman and land just fine. Well I noticed he was missing not everytime but enough to make me start wondering. Todd said it's because he is getting older. Then I noticed he was tripping when he would walk or trot or run. Sometimes he would fall over on his side and get up and keep going like nothing happen. He kept getting clumsier. About 2 weeks ago I noticed Copper developed a small cough nothing serious just like clearing his throat followed by a burp. I was used to the burping he always burps after he eats. Well I googled and was scared he had heart worms so I asked my parents that instead of money if they would just help out with the vet bill. I took Copper to the vet and they did a complete blood work up, urinalysis, prostate exam, fecal. The whole nine yards. The vet was more concerned with his drunken wobble than his cough. She said his ears were a little dirty but not so much that they would cause his inner ear to cause him to wobble. She cleaned them and gave me some cleaner none the less. She was just as puzzled as I was about his swaying and tripping. It's like he doesn't know where his feet are. Other than the swaying he is still eating and drinking and pooping and peeing. He is sleeping a little bit more but then again he always likes to snuggle under the covers and take a nap. She checked him over making sure it wasn't a slipped disc or pulled muscle that was pinching a nerve and nothing no sign of pain at all. Copper is such a gentleman when he is at the vet. So she started saying it could be some sort of tick disease. Now I can say with 100% he has never had a tick on him. Then she starting listing other things it could be cancer, blood clot, distemper, inflammation of the brain or spinal cord and other ailments I can't remember now. In my head I am saying woman shut up quit making me worry even more than I am. This dog is like a child to me especially now since I have miscarried. Well today we got back the blood results and everything came back normal. Great but if something was abnormal that would point us in the direction of finding a solution. So she said bring in him and let us test for distemper. And I will also give you an antibiotic in case it is a tick disease that also can help if he does have distemper. Fine great it won't hurt him if it isn't either one of those options. I won't get the results from that test till next week so I am hoping for an improvement with this trial run of antibiotics. If not it's time to try steroids for possible inflammation  of his brain. Fingers crossed people that we get this figured out. I love this dog so much.

Just not meant to be...part 2

I got a lot of "I'm sorry." and "if there is anything you need." and "I wish there was something I could do." Which was all very kind and sweet. And I really appreciated it. But I was still hurting. From that day forward when I was alone I would lay down in the shower and cry. I kept thinking I could just wash how I was feeling down the drain. On Sunday my Dr. called to check in on me and I asked him if we could reschedule the surgery for Wednesday so I would not associate my birthday for death day of my pregnancy. He agreed and I was scheduled for surgery on the 24th. My Birthday came and I spent the day alone and depressed and crying in the shower again. Todd tried his hardest to cheer me up over the weekend prior and I tried to be happy but he knew deep inside I was faking it. My friends from a previous job had a get together and they comforted me as I cried and vented my feelings. That helped having women who have had to go through what I was experiencing.

Todd got one of my friends and my family to meet us for dinner at outback. It was a nice distraction from the elephant in the room. The next day my brother and his girlfriend and I went to Charleston to pick up my sister. She wanted to be there for my surgery which I really appreciated. It was good to get out of the house and go on a road trip. We really did have a good time together.

D-Day October 24th.

I didn't get much sleep the night prior. But then again I hadn't gotten much sleep in several weeks. I met my sister, mom and dad at the hospital for my surgery. I was sad cause it meant my pregnancy really was over. Cause even up to the point of going into the O.R I thought it was all a bad dream and Dr. AL was going to tell me that he made a mistake and there is a baby after all. I was shaking and crying waiting to be taken back. I have never had any surgeries before or put under anesthesia. When I did sleep the night before I had a nightmare that I woke up during surgery and I felt everything. In a way I was ready to get it over with. I didn't want to see it, feel it, smell it, or hear it. I just wanted it out. That way I could move on. The nurses and anesthesiologist were so kind and understanding. My sister and mom came back and stayed with me till they took me to the O.R that was really comforting cause I was very scared.The nurse told me that I would feel my cheeks getting warm and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. And as soon as I woke up I felt the cramping. Horrible cramping so the nurse gave me some sort of pain killer through my I.V and wheeled me into the room I was in before surgery. Sierra and Mom were waiting for me. Mom said she had to go back to work so she could get done early and meet me back at their house. Dad came back and checked on my but he soon left so he could pick up my pain meds and meet us back at the house. 
Well apparently I am not very good at "recovering" because I attempted to eat a popsicle and threw up cause my blood pressure dropped. And then the nurse wanted me to Sierra and the nurse let me rest a little longer. I finally started to feel better a few hours later that they let me go home. Sierra was such a big help to me and I had never been so grateful to have a sister that cared so much for me. We went back to mom and dads where I took it easy the rest of the evening. Todd stopped by to check on me. I wanted to stay at my parents house because I didn't feel like dealing with my dogs and I didn't want to be by myself. 
I don't know if I passed out from the pain meds or sheer exhaustion but, I finally slept. The next day wasn't too bad bleeding and some cramping but that was to be expected. I helped dad clean his boat and it was just nice to be outside. It was a good day. My brother came to see me. Sierra had left to go see her in-laws. 
However that night was horrible. I took a percocet to help me fall asleep. But at 2 AM I woke up cramping like I have never cramped before. I was crying in the bedroom but then moved to the living room cause my mom told me that if I got up and walked around that could relieve my cramping some. So that's what I did. I was doing laps around the living room and would walk into the kitchen to see the time. The pain was coming in waves every 5 minutes. It would buckle me over and I would have to hold onto the couch in order to keep from collapsing into the floor. After almost 2 hours of this I just couldn't take it anymore and called the on call Dr. Who just happened to be my Dr. that performed the surgery. He answered sleepily. I immediately apologized for waking him up through tears of pain.  He reassured me that the surgery went fine and my uterus was spasming. And that I should eat some bread and take another percocet. I did just that and then sat in my dads chair with my head in my hands rocking back and forth. My mom woke up at 4:45 and found me in the living-room. She was so worried about me. I told her I was ok I was just waiting on the pain meds to kick in. I finally went back to "sleep" cause lets face it was restless and not refreshing at all. 
Everyday I felt a little better than the last. Now I still cry everyday when I am alone. But I put on a smile and fake that I am doing ok. I am a chameleon of emotions and how I truly feel. I go back to the Dr. next week for a follow up and I am going to ask him for antidepressants. Todd doesn't want me to but I feel like I need them. Not forever just till I can get passed this stage in my life. I told Todd I am not ready to jump right back into trying to have a baby. I am scared and I don't think I can handle losing another one. 
I had the jelly bean picture on the refrigerator but I flipped it over so I couldn't see it when I found out it wasn't viable. Well I was cleaning the fridge and I asked Todd if he wanted the picture and he said no just throw it away. It was hard but I did it. And in a way it helped. I know I will never forget this time in my life and I know that if one day I do have a child I will appreciate him or her all the more for this experience. 
I feel a sense of relief getting this all out cause I have been carrying around and it has been heavy on my heart and my mind. If anything it has shown me how important family is and has shown me who my true friends are. There is so much more I could write but my fingers just can't handle it. So until next time good night.

Just not meant to be... part 1

I found out I was pregnant on September 29th. I should have had a clue prior to the positive pregnancy test. After all my boobs were killing me and according to my husband I was being really "moody". I thought I was getting ready to have my period because these had all been clues in the past the dreaded "time of the month" or in my case "time of the year" was quickly approaching and would knock me out for a solid week. My husband and I had made the decision to start trying to have a baby at the beginning of the year. I told him we would try for a year and then if nothing happens I will go to the Dr. to see what can be done. Well lone and behold I come home and my husband has gone out and purchased 2 pregnancy test. So I take one just to prove him wrong. Well joke was on me when I yelled at him to come into the bathroom to read the results. The test was a 1 line not pregnant and 2 lines pregnant. Well those 2 lines popped up in a quickness. He said you're pregnant. I turned sheet white and Todd had to remind me to breathe. All I could think about was how we weren't ready and what I had done to already mess up this child and he/she hasn't even made out into this world. I mean I am a upper 20's woman with no children so of course I was drinking and smoking and eating steak medium rare and getting my hair colored and riding roller coasters and everything else. Hell the day I found out I was pregnant I had a bloody mary at lunch. Already I am a terrible mother. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I thought I could "feel" it. I knew it was all in my head but for me it was a weird sensation in my stomach. Todd was so excited and reassured me that the baby was fine and that we would make good parents and that everything would be great. Well I got my phone cause I have an app that tracks your cycle. And I was loyal to mark every time we well you know. And according to that calculator I was already a little past 8 weeks pregnant. I called my mom and my sister and Todd called his mother. We decided to keep it quiet till we knew how exactly far along I was. 

I called the Dr. the next day and schedule an appointment for that Wednesday. I went and got prenatal vitamins and made sure I was eating throughout the day. Cause normally I only eat one meal a day especially since I am currently unemployed. Wednesday finally showed up and Todd went to work and then came to the Dr. appointment at 9:30. (He has to be at work at 6 AM) The whole time in the waiting room I was nervous and excited and worried and on the verge of tears at any moment. We go back and have an ultrasound done and the midwife says "yes you are pregnant but not as far along as you thought. Only about 4-5 weeks) All we could see was a jelly bean looking sac. She called the sac "the pregnancy" They also did blood work on me and told me to come back on Friday for more blood work. "Standard procedure."  Even though it was early Todd and I were thrilled. It happened, I was pregnant and in the summer we would be parents. Whoa scary thought but I am great with kids and Todd will make an awesome dad so I was worried but not too worried cause I have him. I took a picture of the print out of the jelly bean and sent it out to my immediate family. I went to Kohls to see if I could find a frame for the picture. 
I noticed with pregnancy that my sense of smell became hyper sensitive. I had heard that was possible but didn't believe it until it actually happened to me. The super sensitive nose and the extremely painful breast were the only symptoms I had. I was lucky no morning sickness and yes I was sleeping a lot but I can always sleep. I think I was sleeping so much because of boredom from not having a job. And now that I was pregnant that would have to be put on hold till further notice. 
Todd was so sweet to me. Not that he isn't normally but he was extra affectionate and was doing more around the house. He called or text me through out the day to check on me. He was getting so excited. He would look online at different nursery ideas and we had picked out names.
I went back on that Friday and got more blood drawn they said i would get back the results on the following Monday the 8th. Well Monday came along and they called but I missed it and called back but then no one called me back till the next day. I got a phone call from the nurse and she asked if I could change my appointment to earlier than the 24th. I asked why and she said oh the Dr. just wanted to see you earlier. I asked about the blood work and I said since I haven't heard anything no news is good news and she responded with yes. Now I'm thinking alright everything is fine and dandy. Later that afternoon while I am at my parents house another nurse called and asked if I had changed my appointment I responded with yes and she asked if anyone had told me about my lab results? No I said. She said well your HCG levels are extremely low and should be doubling every 2 to 3 days and also my progesterone was extremely low. I asked what this meant and she said it was usually a sign of an abnormal pregnancy but not to worry because the numbers could be low because I am so early in the pregnancy. I started to cry and she said We aren't worried yet so you shouldn't be either. I called my mom, Todd and my sister. Todd reassured me that everything would be ok. All I could do was cry.
 HCG levels indicate that the pregnancy is developing properly and progesterone levels indicate that the body is maintaining the pregnancy. I discovered this by googling. After the fact my sister called and said don't look it up online it will only make you worry more. Well too late sister I am freaking out more. I was up all night that Tuesday night and even got into the shower and cried. 
Fast forward to the October 13th even though I am sad and worried on the inside. I put on a front that I am fine and go to NYC with my sister to meet with my cousin who lives there and our other cousin who lives in Baltimore. I announce my pregnancy as soon as I get there so my NYC cousin will understand why I am not drinking and smoking and that I need to eat more often and I can't go go go like my usual trips. The whole trip was an excellent distraction of my life. My sister and cousins and NYC friends were making up songs and nicknames for me and my unborn child. I was happy for once in a while. We got back home on the 16th and my next appointment was the 19th that Friday.
Friday October 19th. 
Todd takes the day off work and we have lunch and then go to the Dr. I have an actual Dr. and not a midwife this time around. His nurse comes in and preps me for the ultrasound. And then Dr. Al comes in. I have never met this man but I know right off the bat he is a good man. So he does the ultrasound and I look at the screen hoping that there is going to be a baby or the starts to one. But no there is nothing. It's a void, empty, vacant. Through tears I say to Todd there is nothing there. Dr. Al readjusts hoping the angle is not right. But no nothing. Dr. Al apologizes that yes I have lost the baby and reassures me that just because I have lost this one doesn't mean I will not go on to have children. He tells me that he would like for me to have a D & C done on Monday. Well I didn't realize it at the time that that Monday was my birthday. I agreed and we were sent out the back door so I wouldn't disturb the bounty of pregnant women in the waiting room.  I called my mom,dad, sister and cousin and cried to them. Everyone else that I told got a text message.

Aunt Ida

Tonight my family lost the last great matriarch of our family. My Great Aunt Ida passed away. And she wasn't just great because she was my Papaws sister she was great because she made an impact on anyone that met her. She was fiesty all the way up to the end. My friend Amber went up with me this past weekend to see her with me in VA. And it was worth the almost 14 hours worth of driving over 2 days to see her. She gave me a baby blanket that she crocheted 30 years ago that she was going to give to her first great grand child. Well for whatever reason she didn't get to give it to her so I got it. I will cherish it and my memories of her forever. That woman was a force to be reckoned with. She always wore the same wig, and was always dressed to the nines. A mouth like a sailor and she would just tell you how it was without holding back. She loved me dearly and I loved her back. I feel like I have a lot of her in me. And I am proud to say that I am her niece. She lived everyday to the fullest. And Loved her family faults and all. I spoke to my cousin tonight and she said that she was going to make more of an effort to keep in touch with the family more often and I agree. So get ready folks Heather is about to make herself known to everyone. To qoute Aunt Ida. "Just throw your hands up to it all and say to Hell with it and move on."  No truer words were ever spoken. So I am not going to dwell in petty things. It's not worth your time in the end. Life is too short and I don't know what happens when we die or where we go. All I know is I am going to live the life that I have now and cherish it for what it is worth.

Yeepee Skeepeee

Hello my fellow Bloggers! So 2012 is here and that either means it's just another year or the end of the world either way I plan on making it a way better year than last year. I wanna mark off a few more things on my bucket list and what not. I plan on laughing more often than I already do and having a good time in whatever I do. If only I could get paid to be a great friend. My cousin suggested that I should start a friend service but I am scared that if I did that would lead to prostitution and lets face it I'm no top shelf hooker like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. (Sorry I went on a little tangent just then)  So I went on a job interview to work at a Veterinary office but needless to say I didn't get the job because I work harder than all 3 of the other receptionist combined. I guess the awesome work ethic that I got from my parents really came back to kick me in my ass. Oh well on to the next one. I still work at the daycare and even though I love children my teeth do not seeing as I grind my teeth all day long and now have some dental issues. But that's nothing some abesol can't fix. I look forward to the day when my jaw doesn't hurt at the end of the day cause of grinding. I would really like to get a "new to me" car this year. Time to grow up and get a 4 door car. Although I will miss my excuse for not driving anywhere because of my lack of not having enough room.  I still have all 3 of my dogs and now add to it some freshwater angel fish. I know it may be boring to most of you people but I like my little household life. It maybe boring but this gal has big dreams. Like for instance going back to NYC at the end of this month. You may wonder why I like to go to NYC in January and I will tell you during the winter it is all about survival and not fashion cause lets face it I am not very fashionable. In the winter everyone is in think jackets and scarves and hats and gloves and ugly snowboots and that is fine with me. And no one questions you about why you have such horrible hat hair. It's about getting from one place to another without losing an extremity. I'm down with that. Plus I heard the subways really stink in the summer and since I am already around stinky diapers all day I would like a break from that. Oh and I don't get so pink and sweaty in the winter. Oh and it looks cleaner with snow covering everything. So there ya go I know y'all wanted to know all that. Well I hope you enjoyed my first blog entry of 2012 hopefully there will be many more before the world ends. Awesome night y'all!