Just not meant to be... part 1

I found out I was pregnant on September 29th. I should have had a clue prior to the positive pregnancy test. After all my boobs were killing me and according to my husband I was being really "moody". I thought I was getting ready to have my period because these had all been clues in the past the dreaded "time of the month" or in my case "time of the year" was quickly approaching and would knock me out for a solid week. My husband and I had made the decision to start trying to have a baby at the beginning of the year. I told him we would try for a year and then if nothing happens I will go to the Dr. to see what can be done. Well lone and behold I come home and my husband has gone out and purchased 2 pregnancy test. So I take one just to prove him wrong. Well joke was on me when I yelled at him to come into the bathroom to read the results. The test was a 1 line not pregnant and 2 lines pregnant. Well those 2 lines popped up in a quickness. He said you're pregnant. I turned sheet white and Todd had to remind me to breathe. All I could think about was how we weren't ready and what I had done to already mess up this child and he/she hasn't even made out into this world. I mean I am a upper 20's woman with no children so of course I was drinking and smoking and eating steak medium rare and getting my hair colored and riding roller coasters and everything else. Hell the day I found out I was pregnant I had a bloody mary at lunch. Already I am a terrible mother. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I thought I could "feel" it. I knew it was all in my head but for me it was a weird sensation in my stomach. Todd was so excited and reassured me that the baby was fine and that we would make good parents and that everything would be great. Well I got my phone cause I have an app that tracks your cycle. And I was loyal to mark every time we well you know. And according to that calculator I was already a little past 8 weeks pregnant. I called my mom and my sister and Todd called his mother. We decided to keep it quiet till we knew how exactly far along I was. 

I called the Dr. the next day and schedule an appointment for that Wednesday. I went and got prenatal vitamins and made sure I was eating throughout the day. Cause normally I only eat one meal a day especially since I am currently unemployed. Wednesday finally showed up and Todd went to work and then came to the Dr. appointment at 9:30. (He has to be at work at 6 AM) The whole time in the waiting room I was nervous and excited and worried and on the verge of tears at any moment. We go back and have an ultrasound done and the midwife says "yes you are pregnant but not as far along as you thought. Only about 4-5 weeks) All we could see was a jelly bean looking sac. She called the sac "the pregnancy" They also did blood work on me and told me to come back on Friday for more blood work. "Standard procedure."  Even though it was early Todd and I were thrilled. It happened, I was pregnant and in the summer we would be parents. Whoa scary thought but I am great with kids and Todd will make an awesome dad so I was worried but not too worried cause I have him. I took a picture of the print out of the jelly bean and sent it out to my immediate family. I went to Kohls to see if I could find a frame for the picture. 
I noticed with pregnancy that my sense of smell became hyper sensitive. I had heard that was possible but didn't believe it until it actually happened to me. The super sensitive nose and the extremely painful breast were the only symptoms I had. I was lucky no morning sickness and yes I was sleeping a lot but I can always sleep. I think I was sleeping so much because of boredom from not having a job. And now that I was pregnant that would have to be put on hold till further notice. 
Todd was so sweet to me. Not that he isn't normally but he was extra affectionate and was doing more around the house. He called or text me through out the day to check on me. He was getting so excited. He would look online at different nursery ideas and we had picked out names.
I went back on that Friday and got more blood drawn they said i would get back the results on the following Monday the 8th. Well Monday came along and they called but I missed it and called back but then no one called me back till the next day. I got a phone call from the nurse and she asked if I could change my appointment to earlier than the 24th. I asked why and she said oh the Dr. just wanted to see you earlier. I asked about the blood work and I said since I haven't heard anything no news is good news and she responded with yes. Now I'm thinking alright everything is fine and dandy. Later that afternoon while I am at my parents house another nurse called and asked if I had changed my appointment I responded with yes and she asked if anyone had told me about my lab results? No I said. She said well your HCG levels are extremely low and should be doubling every 2 to 3 days and also my progesterone was extremely low. I asked what this meant and she said it was usually a sign of an abnormal pregnancy but not to worry because the numbers could be low because I am so early in the pregnancy. I started to cry and she said We aren't worried yet so you shouldn't be either. I called my mom, Todd and my sister. Todd reassured me that everything would be ok. All I could do was cry.
 HCG levels indicate that the pregnancy is developing properly and progesterone levels indicate that the body is maintaining the pregnancy. I discovered this by googling. After the fact my sister called and said don't look it up online it will only make you worry more. Well too late sister I am freaking out more. I was up all night that Tuesday night and even got into the shower and cried. 
Fast forward to the October 13th even though I am sad and worried on the inside. I put on a front that I am fine and go to NYC with my sister to meet with my cousin who lives there and our other cousin who lives in Baltimore. I announce my pregnancy as soon as I get there so my NYC cousin will understand why I am not drinking and smoking and that I need to eat more often and I can't go go go like my usual trips. The whole trip was an excellent distraction of my life. My sister and cousins and NYC friends were making up songs and nicknames for me and my unborn child. I was happy for once in a while. We got back home on the 16th and my next appointment was the 19th that Friday.
Friday October 19th. 
Todd takes the day off work and we have lunch and then go to the Dr. I have an actual Dr. and not a midwife this time around. His nurse comes in and preps me for the ultrasound. And then Dr. Al comes in. I have never met this man but I know right off the bat he is a good man. So he does the ultrasound and I look at the screen hoping that there is going to be a baby or the starts to one. But no there is nothing. It's a void, empty, vacant. Through tears I say to Todd there is nothing there. Dr. Al readjusts hoping the angle is not right. But no nothing. Dr. Al apologizes that yes I have lost the baby and reassures me that just because I have lost this one doesn't mean I will not go on to have children. He tells me that he would like for me to have a D & C done on Monday. Well I didn't realize it at the time that that Monday was my birthday. I agreed and we were sent out the back door so I wouldn't disturb the bounty of pregnant women in the waiting room.  I called my mom,dad, sister and cousin and cried to them. Everyone else that I told got a text message.