Just not meant to be...part 2

I got a lot of "I'm sorry." and "if there is anything you need." and "I wish there was something I could do." Which was all very kind and sweet. And I really appreciated it. But I was still hurting. From that day forward when I was alone I would lay down in the shower and cry. I kept thinking I could just wash how I was feeling down the drain. On Sunday my Dr. called to check in on me and I asked him if we could reschedule the surgery for Wednesday so I would not associate my birthday for death day of my pregnancy. He agreed and I was scheduled for surgery on the 24th. My Birthday came and I spent the day alone and depressed and crying in the shower again. Todd tried his hardest to cheer me up over the weekend prior and I tried to be happy but he knew deep inside I was faking it. My friends from a previous job had a get together and they comforted me as I cried and vented my feelings. That helped having women who have had to go through what I was experiencing.

Todd got one of my friends and my family to meet us for dinner at outback. It was a nice distraction from the elephant in the room. The next day my brother and his girlfriend and I went to Charleston to pick up my sister. She wanted to be there for my surgery which I really appreciated. It was good to get out of the house and go on a road trip. We really did have a good time together.

D-Day October 24th.

I didn't get much sleep the night prior. But then again I hadn't gotten much sleep in several weeks. I met my sister, mom and dad at the hospital for my surgery. I was sad cause it meant my pregnancy really was over. Cause even up to the point of going into the O.R I thought it was all a bad dream and Dr. AL was going to tell me that he made a mistake and there is a baby after all. I was shaking and crying waiting to be taken back. I have never had any surgeries before or put under anesthesia. When I did sleep the night before I had a nightmare that I woke up during surgery and I felt everything. In a way I was ready to get it over with. I didn't want to see it, feel it, smell it, or hear it. I just wanted it out. That way I could move on. The nurses and anesthesiologist were so kind and understanding. My sister and mom came back and stayed with me till they took me to the O.R that was really comforting cause I was very scared.The nurse told me that I would feel my cheeks getting warm and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. And as soon as I woke up I felt the cramping. Horrible cramping so the nurse gave me some sort of pain killer through my I.V and wheeled me into the room I was in before surgery. Sierra and Mom were waiting for me. Mom said she had to go back to work so she could get done early and meet me back at their house. Dad came back and checked on my but he soon left so he could pick up my pain meds and meet us back at the house. 
Well apparently I am not very good at "recovering" because I attempted to eat a popsicle and threw up cause my blood pressure dropped. And then the nurse wanted me to Sierra and the nurse let me rest a little longer. I finally started to feel better a few hours later that they let me go home. Sierra was such a big help to me and I had never been so grateful to have a sister that cared so much for me. We went back to mom and dads where I took it easy the rest of the evening. Todd stopped by to check on me. I wanted to stay at my parents house because I didn't feel like dealing with my dogs and I didn't want to be by myself. 
I don't know if I passed out from the pain meds or sheer exhaustion but, I finally slept. The next day wasn't too bad bleeding and some cramping but that was to be expected. I helped dad clean his boat and it was just nice to be outside. It was a good day. My brother came to see me. Sierra had left to go see her in-laws. 
However that night was horrible. I took a percocet to help me fall asleep. But at 2 AM I woke up cramping like I have never cramped before. I was crying in the bedroom but then moved to the living room cause my mom told me that if I got up and walked around that could relieve my cramping some. So that's what I did. I was doing laps around the living room and would walk into the kitchen to see the time. The pain was coming in waves every 5 minutes. It would buckle me over and I would have to hold onto the couch in order to keep from collapsing into the floor. After almost 2 hours of this I just couldn't take it anymore and called the on call Dr. Who just happened to be my Dr. that performed the surgery. He answered sleepily. I immediately apologized for waking him up through tears of pain.  He reassured me that the surgery went fine and my uterus was spasming. And that I should eat some bread and take another percocet. I did just that and then sat in my dads chair with my head in my hands rocking back and forth. My mom woke up at 4:45 and found me in the living-room. She was so worried about me. I told her I was ok I was just waiting on the pain meds to kick in. I finally went back to "sleep" cause lets face it was restless and not refreshing at all. 
Everyday I felt a little better than the last. Now I still cry everyday when I am alone. But I put on a smile and fake that I am doing ok. I am a chameleon of emotions and how I truly feel. I go back to the Dr. next week for a follow up and I am going to ask him for antidepressants. Todd doesn't want me to but I feel like I need them. Not forever just till I can get passed this stage in my life. I told Todd I am not ready to jump right back into trying to have a baby. I am scared and I don't think I can handle losing another one. 
I had the jelly bean picture on the refrigerator but I flipped it over so I couldn't see it when I found out it wasn't viable. Well I was cleaning the fridge and I asked Todd if he wanted the picture and he said no just throw it away. It was hard but I did it. And in a way it helped. I know I will never forget this time in my life and I know that if one day I do have a child I will appreciate him or her all the more for this experience. 
I feel a sense of relief getting this all out cause I have been carrying around and it has been heavy on my heart and my mind. If anything it has shown me how important family is and has shown me who my true friends are. There is so much more I could write but my fingers just can't handle it. So until next time good night.