Thursday, April 25, 2013

Countdown.

In January 2013 I finally got my 1st period after my D&C in October. In February while helping my sister move I thought I was getting my period again cause I started bleeding. Well the bleeding stop that same day so I figured it was spotting. And from what I read that could be a possible sign of implantation. So I waited a week to take and test and sure enough it came back positive. I told Todd who was playing COD and showed him the stick and his only reaction was hmm I guess you will have to take your prenatal vitamins again. We were both cautiously optimistic when didn't tell anyone. I made an appointment for 2 weeks later cause it we based it off my last period then that would be 8 weeks. That was the longest two weeks. Todd went with me to the OBGYN and my nerves were a wreck cause I was so scared it was going to be like the last time and then I would have to suffer again. I told Todd that if this pregnancy didn't "stick" I was done and didn't want to try to have anymore kids. My mental health could not take another deep depression so soon after the last one. I was crying and shaking and twisting my hands while sitting on the table. The nurse understood and took us back to the ultra sound room. I was laying on the table with my eyes shut cause I couldn't handle seeing a vacant womb on the screen again. I only opened them cause Todd said wait I see something flashing on the screen. And the Dr. said yes that's the heartbeat. To which I said no shit there is a heartbeat? Then I started laughing cause that meant it was real and I was pregnant with something alive and growing. The Dr. let me know that my chances of miscarriage had dropped due to there being a heartbeat. I was so happy and proud of that little flashing blip on the screen.
Fast forward almost a month.... My Memaw whom I am extremely close to and so much alike it's ridiculous slid in her bathroom to the floor when she got out of the shower. I do not say fall because she didn't she slid with the rollator to the floor.But because of the retirement home where she has lived for the past 6 years the protocol is to take someone that has fallen straight to the ER via ambulance. Well that didn't go well Memaw got horrible motion sickness because she was laying down and couldn't see the road and vomited on herself. The emts also had her in a neck brace and a back board. My mom told me that night that memaw fell but she was ok and that she was just staying in the hospital for observations. My Mother has been devoted to taking care of my memaw for the past 10 years. Even before my Papaw died she was helping with both of them. I try to help as much as she will let me but one thing is for sure she is stubborn like her father. My mother didn't sleep at all that Thursday night into Friday when they finally admitted my memaw at 4 am. Memaw ended up staying the weekend in the hospital. They didn't find any broken bones, bruises, strains, or sprains. But they did notice some spots on her lungs that we were told was a mild case of pneumonia. My mom and I had noticed that Memaws stamina had decreased over the past 6 months but we figured that was because she wasn't being very active during the day and she was getting older. By this time I had told memaw I was pregnant and she was so excited to finally have a great grand baby close that she could see anytime she wanted. My cousin had his first child in December and Memaw got to meet him in March. Which she was so thrilled about.
During all this my husband got the stomach bug and I was so scared that was going to get it too. He was pathetic and I had to take care of him and also my dad who I had to take for surgery on his lower eyelid because he had skin cancer and had to have it removed. And then the following week Todd threw his back out and I had to take care of him again. I was mentally and physically exhausted for being at the the end of my first trimester.
During all of this Memaw was moved back into healthcare at the retirement home. Mom said she was just in a funky mood after her  escapade with the ambulance and hospital that she asked if I could see her when I got a chance in between taking care of the men in  my life to cheer her up. Well that was this past Thursday and I brought my future sister-in-law with me that just got engaged to my brother on that Monday to share the news with memaw hoping that would perk her up since she would be a fresh face. When I walked in and saw her sitting in her chair the woman that looked back at me was not my memaw. She was complaining about the room spinning and how she has never felt like this in all of her life and she didn't know what was wrong with her and she wanted to die and she wishes she was dead. I told her you are not dying so quit acting like you are. You are just in a funk from the hospital and you will be back to yourself in no time. I was trying desperately to make her stop talking like this and give her something to look forward to and live for. I told her that she was going to have a great grandchild she could hold and love anytime she wanted. She said she didn't care and wished she was dead. I was overwhelmed because only since the day I got married had she been asking when I was going to give her a great grandbaby and now for her to not even care I was heartbroken. My mom called and said she was coming to get memaw and take her to the Dr. to see what was making her feel so bad. After Memaw refusing and putting up a fight we got her to the Dr. I was late getting there because I had to take Memaws lower plate to her dentist because a piece was starting to break. By the time I made it to the doctor mom and memaw were already in a room and mom was crying and wouldn't tell me why and memaw was just sitting there. Mom asked me to move her car to a handicap spot cause there were no free ones open when they came in. I did and then I just sat there and cried because I hate seeing my mom hurt and crying. When they got out mom told me that memaw had vertigo and that was why she felt so bad and that with the medicine they gave her memaw would be feeling better soon. So
I went home and mom took memaw back home.
The next day my uncle came in from out of town to cheer memaw up. Also my sister was leaving Charleston to see her husband in St. Louis to spend the weekend with him since he had been gone since February for training for the Air Force. Well due to bad weather here in Charlotte which was where she was to transfer her flight kept getting delayed and then finally cancelled all together. She booked the last flight out of Charlotte for 3 hours later to get to St. Louis Friday night. Luckily she made it to the airport without a minute to spare and made it to St. Louis. My uncle drove me to the airport to get my sisters car and on the way back I got a mass text from my cousins that live out of state one in Seattle, another in NYC and one in Baltimore that they were coming into town unannounced and unplanned the next day. The last time this happened my papaw was dying so I knew Memaw was worse than my mom was letting on. They told me that the breast cancer memaw had when i was little had come back and moved to her heart and lungs and that she had 3 months to live. now the way she was talking made sense because she had been told she was dying and
i just wanted to punch the Dr. that told her that. It was like a switch went off in her head and now that she was told she was dying she needed to start acting like it. I just kept thinking if she hadn't fallen we could have kept on being blissfully unaware of what was really happening and kept on with our daily lives of memaw being happy but slowing down. She complained about little things hurting but really it was just a ploy to get one of us to massage her. Not so much pain that required narcotics. Sunday was a bad day for memaw she was in such a low mood. Everyone came to see her and she was pathetic. We all went to dinner as a family Sunday to spend time together and break away from the situation for a little while.  On Monday C was leaving to head back to Baltimore so we went early to spend time with memaw before we left to go to the airport. When Aunt M stopped us and said memaw was just doing horrible and that she would be going soon. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall that this was it. When we got in there with Memaw we cheered memaw right up and had her laughing and telling stories and carrying on. Soon A and A showed up to spend time with her too and that room was full of so much laughter you wouldn't be able to tell that the woman laying in the bed was dying. This is all for now I am tired and I am writing this to help relieve the massive amount of sadness and stress that I have on me because I know it isn't good for me, my baby or anyone around me. I hope this will prepare me for whichever comes first Memaw passing or the birth of this baby. That's why I call it a countdown cause everyday closer to one life beginning is one day closer to another life ending. I love that crazy funny woman so much and I just want her last days to be filled with joy and laughter. She is so much a part of me that I know when she goes a part of me will go with her.

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